***Tales From The Old North Adamsville Neighborhood- The Ghost Classmate
From The Pen Of Frank Jackman
A few years ago, I guess it is about
five years ago, yes, it has to be about five years now because I was writing
about the old days at North Adamsville High School in the early 1960s when I
went to school there and I noted that we had passed the forty-five year
milestone and since this year of our lord, 2014, marks the fiftieth anniversary
of my graduation from that hallowed, now hallowed, institution that must be about
right. By the way I don’t usually comment on such odd-ball anniversaries as the
forty-fifth but as time is precious for our graduation generation I made an
exception in that case. Moreover that forty-fifth represented a personal
milestone in my life since I had for many years been extremely alienated,
alienated to the point of distraction, from the old school, from the old
Irish-soaked neighborhoods where I grew up, and from the town which after
graduation I could not get away from quickly enough.
The details of that alienation need not
detain us here although as I tell my tale some of that will come out and give
the reader an idea of why I had to get the dust of that old town off my shoes.
The main point then though was that I had finally come to a calm with that old
alienated past and was ready to write some short sketches about the old days.
That idea had been additionally prompted by some questions that a member of the
Class of 1964 who had set up a website to aid in communication among former
classmates had asked me about my impressions of the old school, of the old town,
and of any fellow classmates that I might have remembered. Among the latter I
thought (and wrote) about a guy, one of the very few from North Adamsville
after graduation, who I had run across as I wandered this land and who I had
run with for a while.
So today I am mercifully not interested
in the minutia of the details of one Frank Jackman’s teenage alienations. No, I
am driven once again by thoughts of that fellow classmate, a classmate who did
not graduate from high school with us back in 1964 but who followed a very
different path, a path that I for one came close to following, the path of the
ghost classmate.
****
Not everyone who went through our old
high school survived to tell the tale, and by this I do not mean the ravishes
of mortality that has cut short too many lives from our class according to the
grim reaper statistics provide on our class website as we come to commemorative
our fiftieth anniversary of graduation from the place. That old high school
that today from a recent trip back in its façade anyway looks as daunting as
the first day that I strode two steps at a time up those grey granite-etched
stairs to enter North as a freshman in 1960. Those grey granite steps
representing not just an old time notion about stability and grandeur like the
way banks used to be built of stone so as to project solidness before the
one-size-fits-all of ATMs and supermarket banking but also reflecting the old
time and forgotten granite quarries that was the main industry of the town
before they were depleted and before shipbuilding subsequently dominated the
town economy.
No, what I mean is that in those days
it was as likely as not that one, or more, members of a family who started out
in the freshman class would not make it through to graduation, would drop out,
drop out for a hundred different reasons. (Early pregnancy for young women,
then called “going to Aunt Sally’s” around our town, getting a full time job to
help support the family economy, and just plain not interested in being a student
come quickly to mind.) And while the notion today of dropping out of high
school seems suicidal back then the percentages of drop outs were pretty high
although the graduations rates in the 1960s still represented a dramatic
increase over our parents’ generation where the need for high school diplomas
in a factory-driven world had not been as great. So some classmates, like the
ghost classmate here, would never be able to tell the full tale of their
survival of the rigors of high school.
So would not be able to tell the tale
the way it was supposed to be told anyway coming out of the 1960s scene. A
scene that went roughly something like this. In freshman year you would
gravitate toward certain classmates who would stick with you more or less in
your niche in the pecking order until graduation (you would go everywhere, do
everything, be everything within that cliché and only foray out among the other
clichés at your peril), you would lean toward learning a trade or a further
schooling as the case may be and settle in to the rigors of either routine
fretting over some hot automobile motor or a book that seemed to be sealed with
seven seals). More importantly, you would have access to high school sports,
clubs, those occasional school dances and proms, plays and the million other
things that high schools then and now provide to keep the young occupied and
out of trouble. Of course you could also find trouble, Saturday night down at
the beach trouble, girl and boy trouble, he said, she said trouble by the
gallons and totally righteously teenage angst and alienation trouble but you
needed to stay the course to get the full effect of that program. Get that dust
off your shoes get out of town and don’t look prize for carrying through until the
end. (And I will add here get to throw your precious yearbook, the Magnet, out into the Neptune River as
you blow the burg.)
Or maybe, and these are legion, how
they wanted it told. Told not by the numbers on the school transcript, not by
the resume-in-waiting under your class photograph in the Magnet, but rather simply
to be recognized as having gone through some process, gone through the
accumulated messes that were high school and came out not too badly, thank you.
But to have that story told, told as honestly as could be.
Of course the number is also legion who
had some relationship to the Class of 1964 at North and as I continually find
now that we are long enough in the tooth to have accumulated a growing list of
causalities, of the wounded and broken, of the beaten down and disheveled and
who did not get their stories told, good or bad. Got lost in the shuffle in
school like the ghost classmate, after he or she left school in the tenth
grade, and in life. This sketch is going to be about one of our classmates who
got lost in the shuffle somehow and it only here, and only by me, that he gets
his life-long struggles voiced. And by that, my friends I will think that I
have done some good in this wicked old world.
I will not mention his name, this ghost
classmate, for you may have sat across from him in class. Strangely he started
out high school any way in the upper classes and as an honor student so it was
not lack of intelligence that held him back or forced him to figure that he was
wasting his time in a school house and that time could be better spend working
some job, learning to fix automobiles, in a life of crime like my old friend
Josh Breslin’s brother any other combinations. Such things happened and filled
up the unacknowledged pages of any school registry. No, he, hell let’s call
him, GC and made things easy, had a streak that just could not be satisfied in
school, some wanderlust over the next hill thing that gnawed at him from inside
and that wanting habit could not sit still four years, or maybe for four
minutes.
Maybe, if you were a guy, you gave him
what passed for the “nod” in those days, that slight tilt of the head forward
with eyes straight at the intended party and then back quickly. The nod
recognizing that a guy was okay, was cool except for some reason he was not in
your social circle, or maybe you only knew him through sports (GC had been a
good athlete in junior high and in ninth grade as well) and that automatically
got a nod from fellow athletes, or maybe you knew him outside school from the
corner (he hung around Harry’s over near the Young Field and so knew some tough
boys for all his smarts). But he was a guy if you knew him then that one would
“nod,” no question. Maybe if you were a
girl you had something of a 'crush' on him because from pictures of him taken
back then that he showed me later he certainly had that “something” physically
all the girls were swooning over. A
smidgen of Elvis all black-haired, slicked back as was the style among a
certain group of guys as you can readily see if you looked at class photos in
the Magnet (I tended toward vanilla
boy’s regular from Tony the barber in contrast), a build somewhat like his too
except not as rangy as Elvis. But what probably set the girls’ heart a-flutter
was that sneer, that look that said you had better watch out because I am a
dangerous man. And whole bevies of young women at school who had grown tired of
Bobby Vee, Bobby Darin, Bobby Vinton and a million other safe, non-sneering
Bobby vanilla heart-throbs were just waiting to be the one to take that sneer
off his face, and knew how to keep it off too. So you can see why I will not
use his real name, there is just a little too much memory rush and gush for
that.
Now I will surprise you, I think. I did
not know GC in our school days; at least I have no recollection of him from
that time. I did not play sports (although I tried football in seventh grade but
easily grew tired of being pushed around like an old rag on every play and also
tried track but gave that up when a girlfriend beat me in the 100 yard dash), I
did not hang with the guys who cared overwhelming about young women (although I
was secretly as obsessed with them as any heathen), and did not have him in any
of my classes. I don’t recall him at North Adamsville Junior High either,
although my brother later told me that he knew him, “nod” knew him, from track
where he was a whizz (and so was my brother).
I met him, or rather he met me, when we were in our early thirties in
the 1970s in front one of the skid row run-down "hotels" that dotted
the low rent (then) streets of the waterfront of San Francisco near the
Embarcadero (you know lower Mission, Third, Bay the places that a guy like Jack
Kerouac hit when he was on the slide. I
was doing my own version of that slide in those days). My reason for being
there is a tale for another day, after all this is GC's story, but rest assured
I was not in that locale on vacation like some tourist slumming the sights
around Fisherman’s Wharf, nor was he. Ironically, at our first meeting we were
both in the process of pan-handling in the same area when the light of
recognition hit him. He said at first he thought I was my brother, Lenny, since
he had known him, had had a nodding acquaintance with him in junior high where
they both ran track and my brother and I had a few common characteristics until
he noticed I had brown hair as he drew closer and Lenny was a red-head. Then he
said he had seen me around the school lunchroom where he told me that he hung
for all three lunches to avoid some class (not for the bill of fare, Christ no,
some Sally [Salvation Army] stuff was better, a lot better so no I will not
disrespect GC that way).
While we were both on the skids we were
at the stage where we were well dressed enough, sober enough, and hungry enough
to work the panhandle which is an art form not for stone cold bums (I always
considered myself a hobo then, he just called himself a grifter, guy who was up
for any hustle as long as he did not have to any heavy lifting, work that is). We
exchanged the usual exchange of personal information, none too personal, and
assorted other lies. At that time I told GC I had been running from a cocaine
addiction that had me tied down and in its grip and left my story at that. The
really was that I had also run out on every friend that I had after grabbing
whatever cash they would give me, or I could steal, and was in up to my elbows
to a dealer over in Oakland who gave me credit and was looking for me to pay up
so the whole point of being on skid row aside from being broke was that the rich
kid dealer(or rather his associates) would not look for me there (and he never
did and I of course never went back to Oakland). GC say he was running from a
dope deal as well, although he left it at that. (Later, once he trusted me a
little years later he told me that the busted drug deal happened in Mexico when
he and his partner who was sniffing the stuff more than selling it tried to
free-lance a kilo of coke and somehow the partner flim-flammed something and
wound up very dead on some Tia Juana back street. GC headed norte with the stolen
kilo as fast as he could because, you see, those amigos down south are ready to
look harder than some upscale drug dealer in Oakland when the deal goes down. A
lot harder.
We decided then after checking in at the
Seamen’s flop we were better off together since we actually hit it off from the
beginning (you don’t actually have to be a sailor to flop there by the way
although as it turned out we had both done slave work on a merchant ship). So
we went to working some quick grifts (grabbing dough from charities, a little
three-card Monte with the rubes) and we spent some weeks together doing, as
they say, the best we could. That “best we could” involved getting a stake via
some intense pan-handling (I will tell you more about that art and its lore some
other time and how it saved my life later when I hitched back to Boston and I
worked the streets after I busted out in the West) and buying a small amount of
cocaine to “step on” out in the streets. I was getting over that strong desire
for coke, for my nose candy, although it would take a couple of later tumbles downward
before I got clean.
But right then I was tired of skid row,
worse of having had to spent some nights under the Golden Gate Bridge and so I
sobered up for a bit. We were going along nicely keeping a very low profile
mainly connecting with kids around Golden Gate Park with stuff we had stepped
on so much you could hardly call it coke but the kids really wanted to try it
then and if they got any high then they were happy. In any case they were not
going to complain, complain to who. We were making enough for room rent, some
food and liquor, a few bucks for cigarettes and odds and ends. We had also
built up a small stash of dough because we both agreed that just then the West
was not a good place to be and we decided that we would head back east, Boston
probably. Then, one night, he split taking all his, and my, worldly
possessions.
Fast forward.
A few years later, the early 1980s, when
I was in significantly better circumstances (had dried out and was working and
going to school a little), if not exactly in the clover, I was walking down
Beacon Street in Boston when someone across the street on the Common side started
to yell my name. Well, the long and short of it, was that it was old GC,
looking significantly more disheveled than when I had last seen him. Like I
said that time in Frisco when we ran together we were a shade above stone cold
bums, meaning only that we kept our Sally clothes in not bad order, took
showers regularly, not something serious down and outers worry about, and whatever
inner demons were eating at us were kept well enough intact to pan-handle and
not be dismissed out of hand and to be able to negotiate those drug deals
without falling apart. To the workaday eye though bum or hobo would be the word
used. So GC had gone down from that, meaning to me without having to say word
one that times had been hard on him the previous few years. After an exchange
of personal data and other details I bought him some dinner and afterward gave
him a few bucks. The important thing to know, however, is that from that day
until very recently I had always been in touch with the man as he has descended
further and further into the depths of the skid row ethos. But enough of the
rough out-line, let me get to the heart of the matter.
I have left GC's circumstances
deliberated vague until now. The reader might assume, given the circumstances
of our first meeting, GC to be a man driven to the edge by alcohol, or drugs or
any of the other common maladies that break a man's body, or his spirit. Those we
can relate to, if not fully understand. No, GC was broken by his own almost
psychotically-driven need to succeed, and in the process constantly failing. (Remember
I mentioned that he had been an honor student until he dropped out of school,
dropped out in part because he kept pressuring himself to get on the high honor
roll and could not take the pressure from the other smart kids to keep up with
them.) He had been, a number of times, diagnosed as clinically depressed. (The
first time in sixth grade, or so he said.) I am not sure I can convey, this side
of a psychiatrist's couch that condition in language the reader could
comprehend. All that I can say is this man was so inside himself with the need
to do the right thing, the honorable thing, the “not bad” thing, that he never
could do any of those. While we had never talked about how he left me high and
dry in Frisco that time with not even room rent so I had to hit the Sallys (and
eventually get back in the grip of the snow princess) when he explained all
this depression business (and I would add a layman’s feeling that he suffered
at least a little from what they today call a bipolar disorder) I could “understand”
(although not forget or forgive) what drove him that night in question. What a
terrible rock to have to keep rolling up the mountain.
Here, however, to my mind is the real
tragic part of this story, and the one point that I hope you will take away
from this narration. GC and I talked many times about our youthful dreams back
in Frisco and later when I would run into him in the streets of Boston, about
how we were going to conquer this or that "mountain" and go on to the
next one, how we would right this or that grievous wrong in the world, and
about the need, to borrow the English revolutionary and poet John Milton's
words, to discover the "paradise within, happier far." Over the years
though GC's dreams have gotten measurably smaller and smaller, and then smaller
still until there are no more dreams, only existence. Only getting from one day
to the next, one meal to the next. That, my friends, is the stuff of tragedy,
not conjured up Shakespearean tragedy, but real tragedy.
Hobo's Lullaby
by Goebel Reeves
by Goebel Reeves
Go to sleep you weary hobo
Let the towns drift slowly by
Can't you hear the steel rail humming
That's a hobo's lullaby
Do not think about tomorrow
Let tomorrow come and go
Tonight you're in a nice warm boxcar
Safe from all the wind and snow
I know the police cause you trouble
They cause trouble everywhere
But when you die and go to heaven
You won't find no policemen there
I know your clothes are torn and ragged
And your hair is turning grey
Lift your head and smile at trouble
You'll find happiness some day
So go to sleep you weary hobo
Let the towns drift slowly by
Don't you feel the steel rail humming
That's a hobo's lullaby
©1961,1962 (Renewed) Fall River Music,
Inc. (BMI)
All Rights Reserved.