He’s Got It Bad-With Elvis’s
Are You Lonesome Tonight -Take Two
A Sketch From The Pen Of Frank Jackman
That
walking daddy moniker was a little term of endearment that she had tagged him
with after they had, well, done the “do the do” and she though that she had him
reined in, reined him in with kisses and a few little special things that he
liked, and that she knew he liked even before he told her that he did. That “do
the do” sex stuff was the least of their problems, he knew she liked his kisses
and a few little special things that she liked, and that he knew she liked even
before she told him that she did, although at the end maybe it was the sex
stuff too that did them in when he started asking her to do stuff from the Karma Sutra and she who previously had
been the aggressor practically pulling his pants down balked at a few of the
kinkier positions described in that manual, it could have been everything
jumbled together. But if anybody asked him he missed that part, no
question.
He did
not really believe that she did, did miss him, she was not built that way, had
kind of a steel-trap mind on the subject (and others too, subjects she was
steel-trapped about), he knew from the first, and she made the fact abundantly
clear in all their conversations, that once she was done with a man that was
that and she moved on, maybe to the next man, maybe just off to lick her
wounds. She would illustrate the point
with examples citing, chapter and verse, whenever the subject came up
ex-husbands and lovers, one of whom she said had asked if she needed a
blackboard once she got on her high horse about the subject. Still he took a
ticket, took a chance that he would be, what she called him at the beginning,
oh yeah, her “forever” man (and a few short months later her “never” man
although she did not say that word exactly he just plucked it out of the air
one night, one early on sleepless night when he first thought about whether she
missed him). Yeah, so no question he was
as sure as a man could be, a man who no longer was on speaking terms with her
to find out, that she did not miss him.
He
wondered too whether she was lonesome tonight for her walking daddy, a very
different proposition than whether she missed him. He was not sure on that
score, although he thought in the far recesses of his brain she might. See as
she also explained in detail with those same ex-husbands and major lovers
example complete with blackboard remark even if she was through with a man, had
moved on to another man, or just went off to lick her wounds the way she put
the fact in those same conversations mentioned above about her way with men,
she was as likely to be licking her wounds as looking for another man. As
likely to be filled with solitary sadness as out on the town, out with another
man.
That is
where those two marriages and many love affairs came in, came in and softened
rather than hardened her to life’s romantic ups and downs. She mentioned that
she had since childhood and a very savagely cruel upbringing had a hard time
letting go, letting the past fade, and that it took her a long time to get over
a man once they were through. How did he say she put it one night, oh yeah, she
was fast to love a man when he got under her skin and slow to forget him. That
fast love start had been her way with him in their whirlwind love affair
smothering him with all kinds of undeserved accolades based on fairly limited
knowledge of who he was, what he had been through, and his own spoken
appreciations of his worth which added up to the usual man of clay, nothing
more. All of the above not giving him time to breathe before trying to plan
their future unto infinity after about a month.
Yeah, in the
far recesses of her brain might be the right way to put it she might be
lonesome that night he spoke of but let me tell you what he told me one night
about that night he was wondering and many other nights before and after while
we were sipping white wines at a Boston bar, listening to some old time
piped-in jazz music as background (could have been Cry Me A River starting out, in fact I think it was), which started
him out on what exactly had happened the previous few months. Let me give you
some of the story and you try to figure the damn thing out:
He had
met her sitting at the bar in Cambridge, a rock and roll bar, an “oldies but
goodies” bar that he frequented when he needed to hear Elvis, Chuck, Bo, or
some rockabilly beat after some hard case was done or he just needed to blow
off steam when some appeals case was slipping away for lack of presentable
issues that could win. Some nights, like that night, he wound up just slugging
quarters in the juke-box, others, mainly weekend nights he would wind up
listening to a live band, The Rockin’ Ramrods, covering the classics. He
noticed that from his vantage point a few stools down she looked very familiar
in a long ago way. After he slid down the few empty barstools between them to
get beside her he had mentioned that fact to her as a come-on and offered and
bought her a drink on that basis (a glass of red wine which she loved, loved to
perdition as he would find out later) they spent the next several minutes
trying to figure where that might have been. Work, no, some godforsaken
political conference, no, another long ago bar, no, the Cape, no, College, no,
and so on.
Strangely
they found out once they discussed where they had grown up (she had told him at
first she was from New Hampshire and he said that he lived in Cambridge so the
subject of home towns did not come up on the first run) that the link had
been that they had gone to the same high
school together, she a couple of years after him, North Adamsville High,
located on the South Shore of Boston although they had not known each other,
had not had any of the same classes back then (but since they had also gone to
the same junior high school they agreed later after they were “smitten” with
each other, her term, and wanted to make some symbolic “written in the wind”
closeness count they must have been in the same space at some point if only the
gym, auditorium or cafeteria). That revelation got them cutting up old touches
that night for a while, well, a long while since they closed the bar that
night. They agreed that they had some common interests and that they should
continue the conversation further via e-mail and cellphone. See, since she
lived up in New Hampshire in a town outside of Manchester, was a professor at
the state university and had been in Cambridge to attend an education
conference at Harvard getting together soon in person with her busy start of
semester schedule was problematic.
So for a
while, a few weeks, they carried on an e-mail/cellphone correspondence. Both
were however struck by the number of things they had in common, things from
childhood like growing up poor, growing up in hostile and dangerous family
environments, growing up insecure and with nothing and nobody to guide them
left to their own resources. Moreover they found that they had many similar
teenage angst and alienation episodes in high school in common as well as
current political and academic interests. Both agreed that they should meet
again in person since they had already “met” in high school (somehow in the
rush of things they discounted that they had really met in Cambridge in a bar,
but such are the ways of love in bloom go figure).
And so
they met again, met many times in neutral territory since they lived so far
apart (they called their romance, the Merrimack romance for all the old mill
towns they met in for half way convenient, Lowell, Nashua, Manchester,
Haverhill, Amesbury and a couple of others I forgot), had many chatty dinners
and did other things together like museums and took long walks along the river.
He explained to me the powerful first dinner where they talked for hours and when
he escorted her to her car in the parking lot for them to go their separate
ways home when she got teary-eyed and he caressed her hair to console her.
Yeah, it was like that when it was good.
Before long they agreed to meet at a hotel in New Hampshire to see if
they had a spark that way. Well you know they did since otherwise there would
be no story to tell. You also know, at least you know what he thought about the
matter, that they did very well in bed together. Yes, they, he and she, were both smitten,
both felt very comfortable with each other and were heading forward with eyes
open.
Along the
way she had discussed her two divorce-ended marriages, her serious love affairs
and her attitudes toward relationships. Those were the times she would
emphasize her take on men, her jealousies, expectations and her limitations.
She also early on started her campaign to get him to go to stay with her in New
Hampshire and leave Cambridge. He although not as well formed in his take on
their relationship as she did likewise explain his two marriages, especially
the hard fall of the second marriage which left him very stunned, and major love
affairs, although he early on balked when she spoke of leaving the city for the
Podunk country up north as he called her place, called the whole state of New
Hampshire for that matter. So yes both sets of eyes were open, open wide.
She
pulled the hammer down, pulled it down early. Within a couple of months she
spoke of love, of living together, of sailing out into the sunset together. He,
slower on the uptake, slower having been more severely burned in his last
marriage than he let on to her or had thought had happened, was a bit
bewildered by her speedy emotional attachments to him. They went on a couple of
trips away to New York and Washington together, had some good times, had some
rocky times interspersed in between too when she tried to rein him in. He
wasn’t afraid to commit exactly (well maybe he was as he confessed to me although
not to her when it could have helped, maybe had a little “cold feet” problem
but he insisted it was a small blip) as much as he wanted the thing to develop
naturally, give him time to breathe although I have already said that air to
breathe thing before didn’t I, there always seemed to be an air of suffocation
every time she got on her high horse, got her wanting habits on, got the best
of him sometimes.
Then he
made his fatal mistake, or rather series of mistakes, starting with strong
words one night at one of their Merrimack River trail dinner when they both had
had a bit too much to drink, too much wine, and she was going on and on as she
did after her second or third glass depending on how tired she had been after a
long day’s work. He admitted he got snappy, told her they needed to slow down
and enjoy each other. She responded with a blast that shook him up but they
were able to kiss and make up that night. The real mistake though was one time
after they had not seen each other for a week or so when he sent her an e-mail
speaking in sorrow of the drift of their recent relationship and he wanted the
spark back that had go them going.
She
exploded at that e-mail seeing that as a callous rebuke of her actions rather
than as what he thought was a plaintive love letter. What did he say she had
called it, oh yeah, a closing argument, a damn lawyer’s closing argument (the
“damn” part a result of having been married to a lawyer the first time out and
now him). They agreed to meet at a neutral restaurant to discuss the matter (on
the Merrimack River of course but I will not give the location since there
still may be blood on the water).
When he
thought about it later he could see where she had prepared herself to be
confrontational toward him or at least be prepared to force the issue because
the first words out of her mouth were an ultimatum-“come live with me or the
affair is over.” The exchange got heated as she drank more wine on this night
as well (he did not drink that night having learned a lesson from the last
session). She said something that
when we talked he could not for the life of him remember but they were fighting
words. He exploded saying “I don’t need this,” threw money on the table and
stormed out. That was the last he saw of her not even looking back to see how
she took the matter. Oh sure the next
day he tried frantically to call several times knowing that a decisive turning
point had been reached, no answer. Tried some e-mails-same response. Later that
day he got a message on his voicemail from her giving her walking daddy his
walking papers. She told him not to call, not to write as she would not
respond. He never did. As he explained it to me he never did although he spent
many a night thinking about whether he should call, about what he would say and
thought too of an e-mail but he knew in his bones she would not answer like
with his first attempts so he let it go. Knew her steel-trapped policies toward
men, toward him in her walking papers summary. Let it go to spend his time, his
free time, fretting about what had happened. Jesus.
What he
did do seriously in the few weeks after their break-up, what he was doing this night
he spoke to me as well as months earlier
when he first fretted over what had gone wrong, was think through how it
could have played out differently. Did that blame game in order to curb his own
lonesomeness as he replayed their short affair, as he tried to try to figure
out something that had bothered him since that fierce parting night. No, not
about the specific details of what had caused his downfall, although he was
still perplexed about why his concern about the over-heated pace of their relationship
and his anger at that last meeting over her ultimatum should have been the
irretrievable cause. He would accept that, had to accept that was the way she
perceived the situation and that those were the causes of his downfall pure and
simple. He didn’t like it but he has come to see where what she said in her
voicemail message that she could never see him in the old way, the way she had
in the beginning of their affair when their love flamed, precluded any future
romantic relationship.
What he
thought about mostly though concerned one point-how could two intelligent,
worldly people, who individually had many strong and powerful inner resources
gathered through surviving stormy childhoods and life’s hard knocks, not be
able to figure a way to avoid letting their fragile relationship blow away in
the wind, blow away without a trace after many professions of desire, devotion
and fidelity. He fretted over how little energy they had devoted to using some of
those personal inner resources in order to build the foundations of a strong
relationship. He had been willing to take his fair share of the blame for his
“cold feet” which had him, more often than not, attempting to walk away from
not toward her. That last marriage had damaged him more than he had thought and
it had still colored his worldview on intimacy, on commitment, no question.
That walking away from her in fear as they got closer, as she started to get
under his skin, always seemed strongest as he left her after some bad days when
she was pushing him hard. Or when he thought the whole thing was hopeless since
they lived too far away from each other to compromise on a living arrangement.
Yeah, he would take his fair share of blame on that.
She
infuriated him though with her interminable future plans while disregarding the
present, although he could not speak for her and whether she believed his house
of card blown in the wind idea about what had happened. She had plans for them
to go to live in California when they retired, deemed it mandatory that he
spent a certain number of days up in New Hampshire even while he had pressing
business to take care of in Boston, but best, best as an example, was that she
had their next Christmas and New Year plans already mapped out in March. All
the time not paying attention to the drift of the tempo of their day to day
relationship where he was, frankly, unhappy, very unhappy. In the end he was
shocked by how little there had been to hold them together in a serious crisis
which he conceded, or would have conceded if she had ever decided to talk to
him again, was a serious crisis. Now that he thought about it for a while he
told me, now that he had talked it through with me, he decided, no, whether she
had a new walking daddy or not (or whatever new moniker she would make up for
him) she would not be lonesome for him that night.