The Stuff Dreams Were Made Of-With The Late Sam Spade In Mind
By permission of Bart Webber
“Hey, sailor buy me a drink I am feeling a little blue today because
I just read in the Times that my old
boss Sam Spade what did he call it, oh yeah, cashed his check, has gone to the
pearly gates or wherever ex-private dicks go to,” Effie Perrine was loudly
calling to a guy in a three piece suit a few bar stools down who certainly was not
a sailor. Not a sailor, or if so was totally lost in the Garden Bar of the
Grand Hotel in New York City. The guy who seemed sober enough slid down beside
her and offered her that drink. Scotch, neat so you knew, if you knew Effie as
she had advanced in years, nice way to put it, was definitely feeling blue as
the bartender brought her a drink and a whiskey sour for the three-piece suit.
When Effie asked his name he gave it as War Bond and had started to give his
line when she stopped him cold asking if he remembered the name. Barton
answered that if that was Sam Spade of the Samuel Spade Investigation Agency
which had after the war given the Pinkerton organization a run for its money
then he had heard of the organization but had not known that the founder was
still alive.
Effie used that acknowledgement as her entre into telling her new
friend why she was feeling blue this day. “Back in the day, back before the
World War, back in the late 1930s Sam Spade was the last of the tough guy private
investigators, the last of the guys who could take a punch, give a couple back,
take a slug and throw back some too, get some flame in the sack and have time
for lunch all in a day’s work. Not like the no-name private dicks today excuse
me with no balls and no way to get them watching too much television with their
pansy detectives like that Nick Charles everybody is raving about. Punk,
nothing but punk,” Effie effused as she eyed her empty glass and point to Barton.
As the bartender went to fill the order Effie said the following, “Do you
remember the black bird case that was in all the papers back then, the case
that made Sam’s career?” Ward gave a look of bewilderment and said “No.” Effie
retorted, “If you don’t interrupt a girl and let me tell the story then for
kicks you can take me upstairs to my room and we can see what we shall see.”
Ward perked up to that offer, said the unnecessary yes and gave Effie the
floor.
“I met Sam back then out in San Francisco when I first hit town
after blowing dust off my shoes from nowhere dust bowl Nebraska at the height
of the Depression. Actually I met his partner Miles, Miles Archer, when they
were partners before Miles was killed on a case. I had met him in the Farrell
Hotel on Post Street when I was doing the best I could working the bar for
drinks and for tumbles to keep my head from wasting away on some park bench.
This Miles was nothing but a lady’s man, nothing but soft-touch jobs and I knew
I could handle him. Had handled guys tougher than him when I was nothing but a
teenager in Omaha. He had this wife whom he didn’t like, and she didn’t like
him either. During the time Miles and I ran together Sam was boffing Miles’
wife, Iva, I think her name so there were no problems. Miles, like guys like
Miles always do, got tired of me and was ready to leave me high and dry until I
put the bug in his ear that if he didn’t watch out his every loving wife might
be getting a little call from me. The way things worked out though was that
Miles brought me into the office to be the office secretary and that is where I
met Sam.
“I was immediately attracted to Sam and after that barely talked
to Miles except on office business. I, once I honed in on him, grabbed Sam for
a while, lived with him even, but I knew that I was just a plaything for him
and so when Harry came along I latched onto him. But being in the office,
working with Sam when he was in his prime, when he was the real deal detective
was how I was up to my skinny ankles in the black bird case.[Ward looked down with
an approving look, a look complete with lips smacking.]
“You know this was the heart of the Depression so after sleeping
my way into a job and after the communal lusts wore off I proved to be a very
competent office manager which is really what I was. Sam would depend on my
judgement a lot, would ask me to evaluate a client if for no other reason than
would the party pay up for services rendered. That’s how I got involved with
this Wonderly, LeBlanc, O’Shea whatever her real name was, I’ll call her Bridget,
which to this day I am not sure what it was since we never wound up billing her.
Sam maybe got a few hundred dollars out of her in cash and that was all we ever
got. She had come walking into the front office where I worked (and screened
the clients) all boas, feathers, and the scent of jasmine looking for some
detective help. Told me that a guy named Dashiell Hammett, who I had never
heard of although Sam told me later he knew the name, had recommended
Archer& Spade to help with her secret problem. I personally although I let
her into Sam’s office thought when all the dust settled and Sam and I were
laughing about the roller coaster ride we had just been on that she had just
grabbed the first name in the telephone book and would have worked her way down
until she got her claws into somebody who would do her bidding after a whiff of
that jasmine.
“The story that she gave Sam, the story that got poor Miles Archer
an early grave, was she was looking for a sister who was running around with
some hardnosed gangster and she needed some heft to face the guy and whatever
his demands were down. Her hundred dollar bills (Sam told me Miles had seen her
wallet and they had plenty of brothers) a couple Sam said for the record got
the services of Archer& Spade. Miles licking his chops all the while
volunteered to meet this bad guy, this Thursday, Thursby something like that I
have trouble with names of late later that night at the Majestic Hotel.
“The next thing I know is l got a call in the middle of the night
from Sam saying Miles had taken the big send-off, had cashed his check and
could I break the news to this Iva whom Sam went back to fucking, excuse my
English which would not have been sued then but now we can say whatever we
want. I did but what a bitch to settle down. He also asked me to call Bridget
and was pissed off at me when I told him she had flown the coop. The situation
got worse when some coppers came to his door to shake him down not only about
Miles and what he was working on but that this guy Thursby whom Miles was to
meet had been blasted to kingdom come later in the evening. Sam kept saying
that he could feel the noose tightening around his neck and I could see it in
his eyes.
“You never know about men though, especially tough guys like Sam,
guys who are tough and good in bed which Sam was and not all tough guys
are-some believe me are pansies no doubt. Bridget wound up calling him saying
she was in fear of her life and could he please, pretty please stand by her.
She probably spread her legs, spread then wide or gave him a quick blow job but
an hour later he called me and told me that Bridget had laid five hundred bucks
on him to stay on the case. He was in, all in come hell or high water.
“The next I heard from Sam he had just finished blowing smoke at
the cops investigating the cases of Archer and Thursby when Bridget and this
fag who had come to the office looking for Bridget, looking for what he said
was the black bird she knew about had tangled. The cops bought whatever he was
selling but it was a close call. That mention of the bird and what it was worth
in human life and death was what the whole thing would turn out to be about.
Who had it, who thought they had it, and who was willing to pay cold hard cash
to get it.
“That is when the Fat Man, a guy named something Street got on his
high horse with Sam and tried to get him to betray Bridget. Sam wasn’t buying
that line just then but he definitely saw that whatever sexual promises laid
ahead with Bridget he was going to have the cash nexus in mind as well. Was
going to get out from under the cheapjack back office in some failed office
building with losers and fakers and go uptown. Said he would take me there with
him. I was in, all in too.
“The deal on the black bird was that it was supposed to have been
loaded with jewels as tribute by some monks or knights back in the dark ages to
the Spanish king. The thing never got to him so the damn thing was whoever had
control of the item who would profit from the possession. The Fat Man, a clever
guy from the one time I saw him tried to cut corners on Sam since he knew, or
thought he knew it was. Put the bang-bang on Sam. Did the Fat Man no good
because this guy, this ship captain that Bridget had conned into working with
her when she was working in some Hong Kong whorehouse from what Sam told me
later wound up in our office with the bird. Wound up dead too from the Fat
Man’s hired gun. But we had the bird although seeing that guy die right before
my eyes was one of the worse things that I have ever seen in my life.
“We had the advantage now since Sam had put the bird in storage
somewhere and mailed the ticket to me for safekeeping. Sam was off to deal with
the Fat Man, with Bridget or whoever had dough to win the bird. That was his
story anyway. He negotiated, negotiated
up front for Bridget but I think really for himself, with the Fat Man at his
apartment. He was to get ten thousand up-front for delivery of the bird to the
big man. That is where I came in. I was to pick up the bird from storage since
I had the ticket and bring it to the Fat Man’s apartment. I brought it and then
left.
“Sam told me later that all hell brought out when the Fat Man and
his associates found out that the bird the Captain had delivered to us was a
fake, worthless. He left with his confederates after flashing some guns.
Leaving Sam and Bridget to face the coppers. That is where Sam went into his
magic act, where he sent Bridget over. See she had killed Miles for her own
reasons, probably had killed Thursby too. Sam was not taking the fall for her,
no way. She was going to the big-step off, and while he would not forget her he
had to take her down, let her take the fall for his profession, for Miles whether
he liked him or not. Bad for business letting civilians run amok over the dead
bodies of private investigators.
“Here’s the part that never got in the newspapers which was just
what the cops gave the newspapers. Bridget and the Fat Man were not the only
one’s smitten by the idea of the stuff of dreams. Sam saw this bird as his way
out of cheap street. That fake bird was not the bird the Captain had delivered
to the office. The one I had innocently delivered to the Fat Man’s apartment.
Sam had squirreled it away in another storage box. Later after cashing in on
the jewels he gave me more than enough to set me up here. And that is the real
story of how the Sam Spade Investigation Agency got its start. The real story
of the days when guys did private investigation for keeps. Sam Spade RIP. Now
you can take me upstairs and see what is what.”